You might be young and just starting your lives together, but statistics show there’s a good chance your parents are doing it more than you (no joke!). So what’s going on? Well, 20- and 30-somethings have a lot more excuses for not doing it than ever before. So as part of our initiative to help more couples get their sex lives back on track, we’ve identified the top sexcuses—plus, tips for getting over them.
Your Sexcuse: One (or both) of you is always too tired.
The Sexolution: The thing about sex is that if you make it low on the priority list, it never gets done, so putting it off until the end of the night is really setting yourself up for not doing it. So stop saving it for the end of the day. If you're running full steam all day long, and then come home, make dinner, do laundry, watch TV and finish that work project before dragging yourself to bed, of course you're not going to feel like doing it! So how about getting busy right when you get home from work? Or, after dinner, have something else for dessert (hint, hint).
Your Sexcuse: Your legs haven't seen a razor in a week, you haven't showered, or you're waiting for when you have the time (and energy) to set out candles and dedicate the entire evening to lovemaking.
The Sexolution: While it's important to still try (read: maintain the same grooming practices you did before you shacked up), it's unreasonable to think that, for the rest of your lives, you're always going to be perfectly shaven, showered or have the time to set the perfect romantic tone or go all night long. Point is, if you make sex a big production, you're probably not going to be doing it very often. If you didn't get around to shaving your legs, don't ward off his advances -- just dim the lights. If you didn't shower, but your partner's ready to go, who cares? Hey, clearly she's still turned on. If you're really self-conscious, jump in the shower together for a change of sexcenery (sorry, we couldn't help ourselves!).
Your Sexcuse: Sex isn't what it used to be, and most of the time, it just feels like a race to orgasm. You don't want to hurt your partner's feelings, but you'd like to try some new moves, 'cause whatever (s)he's doing now isn't getting you particularly excited to do it again.
The Sexolution: Remember: Positive reinforcement works wonders -- and criticism kills libido. So when something feels good, make sure your partner knows (a little moaning or an "Oh, yeah, right there baby!" goes a long way). Take charge and move to the position you like or gently lead her hand to the right place. Another safe (and fun) strategy: Consider taking turns having a romp where each of you gets to be the one "in control" and gets to tell the other person what you like.
Your Sexcuse: You just don't have time.
The Sexolution: The fact is, if you're both so busy that the last time you made time for some boot knocking was when you were on vacation, you need to start scheduling it in. Think of it this way: Putting sex on the calendar can actually be a total turn-on -- anticipating the big event all day is like prolonged foreplay. Start with scheduling once-a-week appointments; then keep adding more dates to the calendar. After a while, you might fall into such a (sexy) routine that you won't need to schedule "dates" anymore (although you may still want to).
Your Sexcuse: You like to have sex at night; he likes it in the morning.
The Sexolution: You've probably heard by now that relationships are all about compromise and doing things for each other. So why should your sex life be any different? Men's testosterone levels rise in the morning (hence, the a.m. woody), so it's no surprise that he's raring to go when you first wake up. So one morning a week, take advantage of his libido boost and do it. But all's fair in love and war, so he has to motivate to get busy one night that week too. This is one compromise where ultimately you both win, so it shouldn't be hard to make. Also, find out what it is about morning sex or bedtime romps that your other half doesn't like. If it's the morning breath, then keep some mints on your nightstand. If he doesn't want to cut into his beauty rest, head to bed a half hour earlier one night, so he can still get his full eight hours.
Your Sexcuse: You've got spin class.
The Sexolution: Um, skip it? For real, sex is a little bit like going to the gym anyway: There are times you really don't want to go, but after you do, you're always glad you went. Plus, it can burn at least 85 calories if you really get into it. (Don't believe us? Try these calorie-burning sex moves, and you'll see what we mean.) So maybe once a week, swap your gym routine for some heart-pumping sex. Not only is it a valid form of exercise, but it causes an endorphin (chemicals in your brain that make you feel happy) rush and, as a side bonus, causes you to fall a little bit more in love with your significant other.
Your Sexcuse: Your favorite show is on.
The Sexolution: Hello! DVR and TiVo are there for a reason, people! If your significant other wants you, shouldn't that trump everything -- even The Donald? Really, you can't pass on sex for TV. That's just not right.
Your Sexcuse: You're always working late or bringing work home, and you're so stressed, it's hard to think about anything else (including sex).
The Sexolution: Life has a way of getting in the way of a good roll in the hay. But don't forget: Your partner is supposed to be your oasis in the shitstorm of life. Plus, sex is a big-time stress buster (that can also help put you to sleep if work is keeping you up). So make your bedroom a peaceful place and leave your day-to-day responsibilities (like cell phones and computers) outside. When you're in there, enforce rules -- like no fighting, no criticizing, no talking about work or any other stressors -- so you can focus on enjoying each other. Relying on your partner to help you relax and get through stressful times will not only bring you closer, it could boost your work performance too (find out some other benefits of regular romps here).
Your Sexcuse: You don't feel so sexy anymore, especially naked.
The Sexolution: It happens. So find a way to bring the sexy back. If those extra cohabitating calories are making you dread getting naked, commit to an exercise and healthy-eating regime (if you tell your partner the purpose of this new plan, he or she might be willing to jump on board too). Just feeling a little frumpy? Buy yourself some sexy lingerie, get a haircut or pump some iron -- whatever it takes to feel like your hot, bone-able self again.
PS: To commit to a healthy (read: busy) sex life and get more great tips for keeping things hot, join our sexathon.
Nestperts: Joselin Linder and Elena Donovan Mauer, coauthors of Have Sex Like You Just Met and The Good Girl's Guide to Living in Sin (HaveSexLikeYouJustMet.com)
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